It's Not Always Easy

I would describe myself as a pretty easy-going person who loves to smile and laugh and have a good time with friends.  That being said, I do have "bad" days.  This is not an easy journey.  This is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.  Wednesday was one of those "bad" days.

I hadn't slept well Tuesday night and was awake from like 2:00 a.m to 4:00 a.m.  I started thinking, "Why am I doing all of this?  This is crazy.  My body hurts.  It's almost all I think about.  What's the use?"  Not a good place to be mentally - not at all.  Then I have my weekly weigh in and my weight is up.  Sometimes that doesn't get to me, but being in the frame of mind I was, it just added insult to injury.  I had gone out to eat that week and it makes me think, "Oh great, I can never go out to eat."  I'm one of those all or nothing thinkers (and yes I know that's not good either.)

I'm writing this because I think you need to know that this journey is not without struggles.  I try to write only the positives because that is what I believe in portraying.  I don't believe I need to spew all the negatives out there on social media.  But I want you to understand that I do struggle and it's okay.

I want to say that first thing in the morning, my husband knew I was off.  We have a marker board on the refrigerator and he went and wrote a scripture on the board for me to put in my head.  (Isaiah 50:7).  I headed to Main Event Fitness and did my weigh in and measurements with Ryan.  He can pretty much tell right away when I am off also.  I worked out with my friend Jenna and tried to have some fun with her during kickboxing even though we were on opposite sides of the room.  (By the way, she's getting so good at kickboxing.)

After the classes, I stick around for a one-on-one training (lifting) session with Ryan.  So what I really want to do here is give a shout out to the trainers out there.  Not only do you teach us how to make our bodies strong, you also teach us how to make our minds strong.  Ryan has been training me for over a year.  He has a pretty good feel for when I just need to push through a workout and when maybe it's time to sit and talk.  Wednesday, we sat and talked.  We went over the entire nutrition plan, tweeked a few things, and talked.

One of the things that really stuck with me this time was this.  I must ask him at least once a month what my heartrate should be for cardio.  He tells me every time and then I keep it at 135.  So I asked again and he patiently worked it out again.  He said 140 (it's always been 140 - I just think that's too high so I keep it at 135.)  Then he said, "Only you know how hard you are pushing."  My reply?  "Well, I push hard enough to beat the person next to me."  His reply?  "Well how about beating yourself?"    Hmmmm - giant lightbulb goes off in my head.

I appreciate how he knows me well enough to know the right thing to say at the right time.  Sometimes all his fancy talk of macros/equations, HIIT training, 15,12,12,8,8, Calories in/Calories Out may go over my head.  But if he says "How many calories do you think Michael Phelps has to eat?"  I'm like, "Oh, I KNOW THAT ANSWER."  and then I subtlety realize, "Oh, that's why I need to eat more."

Well during that conversation, my worst nightmare came true (well I may be exaggerating.)  Right now, I work with Ryan on my nutrition and my strength training and I work with Semaj on my cardio and physical therapy (for my legs).  It's that cardio piece that I know I can push harder on, but I don't.  I don't because I think 135 hr is good enough.  I don't because sometimes Semaj will say, beat your time next time.  So if that's what he's going to say, I'm going to go slow the first time, so I can beat my time next time.   And sometimes Semaj has me on a machine for 30 minutes so I'm like I need stamina so don't push too hard.  All in all that 135 hr lets me keep talking and having a good time.  It works for me (except for when it doesn't - like that number on the scale.)

Ryan says, "I'm going to message Semaj."  Fear strikes in my heart.  Up until now the two of them haven't talked.  Semaj has been super gracious with me.  Poor guy.  When I met him, I was like, "I have a trainer working with me on my nutrition and my goals.  That's who I plan to meet with.  I'd love for you to help me on my way, but I'm listening to him for nutrition/goals.  Do you take the deal?"  Well not quite like that, but almost.  Semaj was and still is super gracious and only wants to help me achieve my goals.  But the thought of them working together scares me actually.

Thursday, I went into Golds and asked Semaj if he and Ryan had communicated.  Yes they had.  He wouldn't give me much info, but let's just say my heartrate got into the "I can't talk" zone.  I got it up to 145-148  AND I didn't die.

Semaj also is great with saying the right thing.  They both are.  It's just funny what sticks with you.  Semaj always says (and I heard it this time) weight loss is not a linear equation.  I'm a numbers girl and I was like- Oh that makes sense.  I actually graphed it out last night so I could see there were some hills along with those valleys.

Weight loss is not a linear equation.

What actually helped pull me out of my funk was Thursday morning, I say Tish and Cindy.  I told them how I was feeling.  How I was feeling like I needed a break.  They both said, "We've been thinking the same thing."  And I was like, "WAIT, WHAT?!  NO!  Don't do it."  Then I said to myself, "Self - listen to yourself."  Cindy pulled out her phone and read Hebrews 12:1 and 2.. "let us run with patience the race that is set before us."  BOOM - funk ended!

Thank you is never a strong enough word but thank you to Ryan and to Semaj.  You two don't need to communicate anymore.  I'll be fine.  :)